Stalkers

I admit this story isnt my own, but it was so hilarious that I couldnt help but share it.

 The CRAZIEST Dating Stalking Story Ever --100% True

We have all had our fair share of crazy (in)significant others--and at times, maybe have even been the crazy. We went on a date with that crazy stalker, we changed that girl's number to "NEVER Answer" (which isn't good because then you KNOW your buddy will answer it if you aren't in the room) or maybe we had a momentary laps of judgement and took the long way home for 3 months just to see if her light was on.
Look, no shame. We all have done it a few times. (but seriously...did you move? ...it has been pretty dark lately.) 

But THIS story takes the (wedding) cake (ordered before you were even officially dating).

Since I have been accused of embellishment a time or two--so I've decided to do something different; this isn't a post I'm going to make up, write or even edit. Just know that a little over two years ago, I came across this post on Facebook by someone I personally know, had it verified that it was true and only shared it with a handful of people...until today. I have wanted to share it, but every time I tried, I just couldn't. Part of my hesitation to share was that I am in no way connected to this story (and I don't want to be involved in any pending legal ramifications between parties involved in this story), but recently, people have been asking to get a post on not being crazy (to share with others, I assume), so I thought it finally needed (and the statute of limitations has been exceeded).

 Before I start, know three things.
First....my purpose is not to make fun of the girl who posted this, but to put it in perspective that we all will do things a little bit crazy sometimes. Don't hate because she is crazy differently than you.

Second...this is a long post. Indeed, the longest that has ever been on my blog. And I don't know if there is one that you would be more entertained reading.

Thirdly...I'm taking out all names, locations and even when this occurred. Lastly...if I ever write a movie, this is how I would want it to start, "First off, I didn't mean to stalk you." Dibs.

Without further delay, ladies and gentlemen, on this visit to the Easter Closet, may I present to you (for what many of my former girlfriends and dates would consider the first time ever on this blog) nothing but the truth.

Title of the Facebook post: Apology for Stalking

My dearest friend,
I'm making this public for a couple reasons.
First, I'm not sure how many people you've told, and secondly, I've lost track of how many people I've mentioned this to. I wanted to attempt to include as many people as possible in the reconciliation process. I also want to publicly apologize to all parties who may have been hurt by my actions. These injured parties may or may not include your roommates, your best friend, your younger sister, your ex-girlfriend, and your boss, who I firmly believe has lost a fabulous employee.

Although my actions undoubtedly got way out of hand and cannot be excused in any way, I do want to help you understand my side of the story.

First off, I didn't mean to stalk you. It was totally an accident at the beginning, and as ridiculous as that might sound, it's true. That first day of class, when you sat next to me and started asking random questions, I was blown away by how nice you were. I'd had a horrible morning and you were the first person all morning who smiled at me when you said hello. You were pretty excited when you mentioned your blog to me, so I looked it up. And you really do have a beautiful mind. The way you wrote was so eloquent and profound that I couldn't stop reading. I'm very opinionated, and I wanted you to appreciate the depth of my thought and be attracted to me, which explains why I left as many comments as I did. Also, I didn't read all 2 1/2 years of archived posts to deliberately be a creeper. I just wasn't paying attention to the dates. I didn't think it would creep you out that much.

On your blog, you mentioned a variety of projects that were exciting to me, so I looked them up. We actually have a lot in common. Once I'd signed up for a couple of cool things that fit in my schedule, I was curious about what else you had done that hadn't made it onto your blog. So I Googled you. Again, I wasn't trying to be a creeper, I was sincerely curious.

I know you didn't tell me your last name, but between Blackboard's emailing option and hints in your blog, it was easy to find you on facebook. In my defense, I had no way of knowing that your little sister had hacked your facebook and accepted all the pending friend requests that you'd been ignoring. Also, it was my understanding that if you posted something online, it was there to be viewed/read/commented on. I understand now that assuming you wanted me to learn about you at all, you'd probably prefer that I learn FROM you. Also, please forgive me for saving your picture on my phone as my new background. You weren't meant to see that. I was inspired by everything you'd done, and I wanted to remember every day that everyday people can accomplish anything they put their minds to.

I admit that when you wouldn't sit next to or even look at me in class anymore, I was rather put out. I didn't want to just slip out of your life. You asked me how I came to know your roommate Jason, and the honest-to-goodness truth is that... It was easy to figure out who your roommates were via facebook. I waited until I saw that they were attending a cool open-attendance party, which I then went to. So I did meet him at that party, but it was kind of on purpose.

 About a week later, my best friend stole my phone to text some guy she wanted to set me up with. When she saw my wallpaper, she demanded to know who you were. It's a girl thing. She was in the middle of asking questions when my roommate got home, and I had to start the story all over again. By this time, my best friend was convinced I was madly in love with you (I wasn't, I just appreciated you) and she thought it was cute. My roommate pointed out that it was slightly stalkerish. I argued that I didn't think it was abnormally creepy and felt like there were tons of things I hadn't done that would be significantly creeper and on the psychopathic side of socially unaware.

 She dared me to prove it. She insisted that I was, in fact, already very creepy and couldn't possibly be stalking you any more unless I actually followed you around all day. She dared me to try. To indemnify my actions thus far, I accepted the challenge. I want to point out that this was all in good fun and meant on the same level of a fabulous April Fool's Day joke.

That's all it was intended to be. And we had rules. We were ethical about it. I wasn't allowed to literally follow you around... I had to be careful and calculating. I wasn't allowed to go in restricted areas like employee only places. I wasn't allowed to go inside your apartment uninvited. I wasn't allowed to dawdle longer than 5 minutes. Our scoring system worked something like this: Pictures were proof. 1 point for photo of you outside. 2 points if you were indoors. 3 points if you were inside a classroom, and 5 points if you were with another girl. Other points were awarded at random for unspecified creepiness, like viewing your parent's house from satellite on google maps. I had to earn a minimum of 20 points per week or I lost all my creepiness points.

 At this point, I think we can all agree that I needed a life. I wasn't even good at stalking. My form was terrible... I was way too obvious, and it caused you undue alarm at an early stage. I know I shouldn't have stalked you, but since I was going to, I should have looked your schedule up on BYU's online directory right off, instead of asking you about it. I'm sorry that this semester you felt the need to adjust your entire schedule the day before the add-drop deadline. I'm sure that was a tremendous inconvenience.

 And I'd like to explain why I was so frustrated about you dating Fuluquethra. You might recall that you met her through me. The background story is that I met Fuluquethra one day in the cafeteria. She reminded me in many ways of myself, but in an immature, unambitious, socially overwhelming kind of way. She even looked a lot like me, but she was a little heavier and in the middle of a horrible case of acne. I recognized her right away as the perfect wing-man, because she was easy to compare to me but obviously inferior... Thus making me look better. I made friends with her and asked her if she could help me get the attention of a guy I liked. She thought it was funny and was willing to help a fellow female.

 So she came with me to that party, and was instructed to flirt with you in obnoxious, overly flirty ways. The idea was that when you started to get annoyed, I could come in, start up an intelligent conversation and you would hopefully be more attracted to me by virtue of comparison... It would help you to realize what you'd been missing out on. I did not foresee that you would be attracted to Fuluquethra. I figured you'd be easily annoyed by the shallow interaction. I assumed you'd know that you deserved better. When you started flirting back, I was hurt and confused and frustrated, so I just left the party. I earned 20 creepiness points for that episode, but that's when it stopped being fun.

 The next day, I was about to run into you as you were coming out of class, but I saw you up ahead... You noticed a group of boys sarcastically cat-calling to an unattractive girl walking past, and you got mad at them. You chewed them out for a really long time, even using some words that surprised me. I was profoundly proud of you for the way you'd stuck up for the girl. At the same time, I realized that the way you'd done it wasn't what I would have expected. I had created an image of you in my mind that I realized wasn't necessarily accurate. I had put you on a pedestal where you could do no wrong. That moment, combined with what had happened yesterday, helped me realize that I was wrong. It confused me.

I realized I needed to correct the false image, and if I just cut off contact altogether, I would never remember you for who you really were. I stopped taking photos (unless it was a cute or genuinely funny moment) and I tried to see you as a person. I worked hard to understand you better, which was hard, because the more time I spent around you, the more I realized how much time you spent around Fuluquethra, and the less I understood you. But this phase definitely had the advantage that once I tried to understand your feelings, I realized that you were getting irritated by me, so I started being quieter about stalking you. I also started doing some kind anonymous things for you, like that time you woke up in the morning and your car was washed and waxed. Or when you went to grab your clothes from the dryer at the laundromat and found them already folded. I didn't want you to know that the little things I did were from me, because I knew you'd be awkward about it, but I wanted to make you happy.

 When you and Fuluquethra officially started dating, I was scared that you would make me go away, and I still had myths about you that I wanted to debunk. Also, my heart ached for you, because it was so obvious to everyone else that Fuluquethra was not the right kind of girl for you. Your best friend had been trying to get my attention for a while, so I let him think I liked him back, and I agreed to date him because then you couldn't make me go away without hurting your best friend's feelings, which I knew you would never do. 

Finally, I'm not sure you ever got the whole story about that problem with your boss. I went into work to see if you were there, and you weren't, but I ended up getting into an argument with your boss. He was really mean. He said some horrible things about you, about me, and then lifted Fuluquethra above both of us as if she was perfect and we were scum. When I got sick of him yelling at me, I went home. No one was home to talk to, but I needed to vent, so I opened my laptop and posted a status that said,

"Bossy McBossPants is the biggest jerk I've ever met in my life! Why doesn't that pedophile go date Fuluquethra himself if he thinks that demon spawn is such an angel?"

Once it was posted, I turned off the computer, turned off my phone, and went for a pamper session at the spa. I shouldn't have done it, but I was pretty mad. The only problem was, I had forgotten that I was logged into your account from the night before, not mine. I also didn't know that your boss was your facebook friend.

 When I got home that night and realized my mistake, I erased your facebook status and cleaned up the emails from your inbox so you wouldn't know, but Mr. McBossPants had already seen it. That explains the overly warm welcome you got at work the next day. I'm really sorry about that. This also explains why Fuluquethra broke up your relationship over facebook and has refused to talk to you about it.

 Overall, I want you to know that I think this has been a valuable learning experience. You've made me a better person, and I'm making a lot of changes.

Things I understand now: 

1. If I want to spend time with you, I should just say so. If you don't want to spend time with me, it gives you an opportunity to tell me no, but if I didn't ask for consent in the first place, it's difficult to restrict it. 
2. Even if you are interested and want me to learn about you, you'd want me to learn about you from YOU. 
3. It's not okay to express any kind of future commitment.... I can't expect anything beyond that date three days from now, and even the date is up for question. Your plans next semester, next year, and beyond are none of my business. 
4. I really appreciate what you told me two weeks ago... About how all was NOT fair in love and war, but someone always gets screwed over. I understand now that the noble thing to do is not to craft situations to my advantage so that you'll be most likely to fall for me, but simply to relax, be myself, let you decide, and respect that decision. This means that when you decide to date someone else, I should give up and leave you both alone. 
5. You're allowed to screw up your own life, too. If you go for someone I don't approve of, that's your right, and none of my business. 
6. The fact that I have feelings for you doesn't mean you have feelings for me. Nor do the strength of my feelings guarantee that someday you'll come around. 
7. Things that mess with people's feelings don't make for good jokes. Also, a prank is not a good way to simultaneously vent my feelings and hide them. 

Things I promise to do in the future:

1. Keep written track of my dreams so that I can remember what you did and did not say 
2. Not keep building friendships with people that surround you 
3. Not to steal passwords or install hidden keyloggers on your laptop 
4. Not to riffle through garbage. Don't keep cool things I like that you didn't want anymore. Don't display them in my living room. 
5. Don't ask for information I can find online 
6. Don't give gifts to people that you know and care about but who don't know and care about me.

I'm confessing all the little details because I know that once you feel your privacy has been violated, it's easy for your imagination to go wild wondering what else I might have done.

This is exactly everything, more or less. I understand now that stalking is a terrible, socially inappropriate activity. Hypothetically, a fitting punishment for someone who has stalked someone else and destroyed their life is beyond having their car windows smashed in, tires slashed. Their identity should be stolen, like leaving their very personal info at a bus stop or something. It’s an offense deserving of flaming bags of manure on the back porch, just for starters.

Not that I’m recommending any of this, and I know you wouldn't… I’m just sympathizing. I want you to know that I really understand your frustration. I wanted to let you know that it's not necessary to finish filling out the paperwork for the restraining order. I'll be careful to stay away from you in the future, and will check up on you periodically to make sure that I won't even run into you accidentally.

 Lastly, I apologize for hacking into your Facebook account and re-adding myself as your friend so I could tag you in this note, but it was truly pivotal that you see it and have an opportunity to respond. I hope you understand. I want you to know that you've had a huge impact on me, and I will never forget you. I hope that someday we'll all be able to look back on this and laugh.

All my heart,
[All of us (to a lesser degree, perhaps) at some point]

For the Original blogpost
http://www.eastercloset.com/2012/08/the-craziest-dating-stalking-story-ever.html

Work Awkwardness...

Its been far too long since I've written last. I think I may start writing again. Its a worthy endeavor of my time. If for nothing more than spilling my own ideas, opinions, and monologues in one place.

Speaking of opinions, opine is such a funny word. When one opines, its basically stating the obvious. "I think we should go to that park (as opposed to a different one)." He clearly was offering up his own thoughts on the matter, why does it need to be stated in action form? While opining is all well and good for verbage in a book, I'd hardly use this word in everyday conversation.

"Lets opine about the subject." Really?

That just sounds bizarre, why not just share opinions, its much less awkward and saves people the trouble of trying use a verb when a noun is much more acceptable. I was sitting in a meeting with some of the department heads when I worked in corporate America (Goldman Sachs for the overly curious). Im sure you can imagine the meeting to which Im referring.

A rather stale power-point presentation with exhaustive hand-outs that add to the redundancy of the subject matter. All attendees sit in overly comfortable swivel chairs in stuffy button-up suits and ties seated around a boardroom table where the air is uncomfortably cold in hopes to deter those present from falling asleep. As the last few minutes wane toward the proverbial end and all eyes are glossed over, trying discretely to look at the clock wishing the minutes would pass more quickly, no one dares to look uninterested for fear that the important presenter get the wrong impression. Although, the meeting would have captured the same potency by sending an email. Its a colorful dance full of strutting and posturing for the purpose of promotion.

Im glad to be rid of the entire environment. But it was at one such meeting, one of my first actually, toward the end, that I heard this awkward phrase. Dont mistake me, I had READ the word opine many times in reading and found it odd. But hearing it spoken was all the more awkward. The meeting was coming to a close and right about the time that I glance a the clock, I hear it.

 "Well, I feel the meeting covered all the major points that needed to be discussed. Any questions?" (of course silence). "ok. Lets opine together at a later time about some of these things."

I was jarred from my mental drool momentarily. "err? Opine? Why does that sound so awkward."

I had stepped into a world steeped in Colloquialism and exclusive vernacular. This wasn't the last time I would hear that word again. Another oddity oft quoted in this business environment is "reach out". "Please reach out to me with any questions." An email would read. Reach out? It makes it sound like I should walk up creepily and tap someone on the shoulder offering my hand outstretched for some unseen handout. If this was the extent of this ridiculous office language, the humor would stand alone.

 But there's so much more. For instance, many common nouns are now fair game for creating verbs. In school or on the street, kids often use the noun "school" and turn it into cool phrase where someone bests another. "Yeah man, you got 'schooled'. This rather obnoxious use of the word isnt far from extinction in the work place either, only the grammatical application has taken on a much more sophisticated use. Take the word action for instance. Its no longer just a noun, such as performing an action, where the verb is to perform. Action is now its own verb. "Please action the task I gave You." It not only can be a verb in the present tense, but it spans across past and future tense. But because we're all wearing suits and speaking in a formal manner, its all very acceptable speech.

Throw out all those childhood grammar lessons from elementary school, we create our own language in the corporate jungle. I hope you all "actioned" this blog by adding a comment or two.